welp

 Trump is president again and all I got was this hellish country we call America. For the ten(s?) of you that read this I would like to be candid. I didn't vote. I didn't see much of a point, time and again being made promises from politicians that either do not understand, or simply can't, navigate the contradictory histories and degenerate aims of capitalist economics. I want things that politicians cannot give me, and so I thought, no matter the outcome, I just couldn't bring myself to give a shit. The bombs would still fall on Gaza. I would still require currency to keep myself from being homeless.  I would still be emotionally ill equipped for wage labor. The things that matter to me wouldn't change. The by ways of our political systems are so entrenched that voting feels like pissing into the Mississippi. Just a trickle into something rolling with an unthinking momentum. The base assumptions of the ballgame of politics just ain't changing. There's too much money, there's too much dedication to keeping the money flowing upward. I often wonder that if I wasn't an American, if I was French for Finnish or German, maybe I'd be an electoral creature. I'd have faith that my government worked toward my most basic needs. But America, with it's brutality and its benign, greedy indifference, has made me an Anarchist. A loud, suicidal, crazy bitch who see's flames in my dreams because from sea to shining sea I see little possibility for a beautiful life for myself. 

And now Trump is president again and my layers of cynicism are wilting. I wanted Harris to win, for whatever marginal safety she would provide as a predictable politician. Even in my Cynicism I wanted her to win, I hoped she'd win, all the while talking out the side of my fucking mouth about how it just didn't matter. And here I think I erred most in forgetting, somehow, that the one material thing Kamala could deliver on is abortion rights. Is an amount of bodily autonomy for women (with splash back rights for trans folks). A country in which a pregnant woman dying from complications can be saved instead of her swiftly arriving death being observed by gutless and cowardly doctors. Trump is president and all days it's just been dawning on me all day how deep the trouble could get. How frighteningly indifferent this country will continue to be. How the angst and combativeness of life will flourish. What is a trans dyke to do? Who do I pray to? I'm scared. Sorry I can't escape the the gear of solipsism. I'm scared and sad about what the trajectory of my life might take. So many of us are scared, we're scared and we live in a society which has, for decades, been disarming our capacity to build interpersonal relationships and hold cogent ideas about political power. But that is the hope, right. Every time something like this happens, that's my hope. That I will step into a world, not where everything has become perfect, but where at least I am surrounded by people will to do the hard, joyful, work of building something that's not about elections. or political parties. But rather something that both transforms our lives and our world. 

But it's that hope that will probably break me. 

What this means for American politics, and it will mean something, is probably beyond me. I could gander a guess that it will further erode any sense of accountability among our elite class. While the dems have spent the last eight years parading around their moral bona fides, make no mistake they've become more feckless and reckless than they already were. The republicans will salivate and waggle their genocidal jowls and prey for the death of undesirable populations. I had hoped this would be a happier rambling. But I'm also hoping to paint an accurate picture. To say how I really feel amidst this terrifying sense of foreboding. I sense that the hope will break me because American's are truly first rate at mediating their experiences through a deep seated delusion of normalcy. My fellow citizens have graciously walk through catastrophe after catastrophe, all the while reimagining the past as a place where the present always was. And that, I suppose, worries me most. Our capacity to accept with a strange resignation, or an even stranger amnesia, the increasingly difficult parameters of living on this earth. More girls forced to give birth. More girls dying from medical complications that are treatable. Only in America could a theocracy be disassociated from any actual meaning and become some vague political consequence. At least the crusaders had the guts to fly the flag as they sacked Jerusalem. Now we have fuckers who tweet. Podcast dweebs talking about how grandmothers become valuable in childcare. At least our fascists' used to mean it. Talking to a dude I went to high school with probably a couple years ago I mentioned the 'dragging you from your house in the night' rhetoric of the Republican party. He didn't know what I was talking about- I was talking about how at the recent RNC someone had used the phrase "we must eradicate transgender people from public life". He proceeded to talk about vaccine cards and how hormone therapy is like giving a little girl steroids. The death of consensus reality, right. 

I want to love people. Love so hard, as the phrase goes, that only liberation is possible. If I saw you, the hypothetical you, out somewhere, would we know that we need each other? Would a 'revolutionary optimism' have a repository? Electoral politics is seductive because you don't have change anything about yourself to do anything. You don't have to face a real fear of rejection. The possibility of impossibility. I keep seeing people post about organizing their communities and I keep asking myself, what communities? Have I ever been apart of a community? Electoral politics don't require you to contemplate the vagaries of "community" and "organizing". But did anything ever change using the same strategies? No, and maybe some vagaries are what we need. Our society is formed around power structures which don't forefront independent thinking, creativity, or autonomy. And every day we have opportunities to exercise our brilliance, our dedication, and our heart for the sake of one another. 'Cause that's really what's going to get anything done. And so, let me speak plainly. Friends, hold me. Please. Because I need it. And when you need, I'll hold you too.